Favorite Simpsons Lines

When there is too much negativity in the world, I turn to The Simpsons for comfort. And now, without further ado, some of my favorite Simpsons lines.

"There, there. Shut up boy. Crying's not gonna make your dog come back. Unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can sit there eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back. Or you can get out there and find your dog!" -Homer, to which Bart responds, "You're right dad," and  Homer then says, "Rats, I almost had him eatin' dog food!"

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work." -Kent Brockman

"Everything's coming up Milhouse!" -Milhouse

"May all your disgraces be private!" - Mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby

"I was saying 'Boo-urns." -Hans Moleman

"Ohhh. I've wasted my life." -Comic Book Guy

"Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!" -Kang

"Lousy Smarch weather." -Homer

"It's fun to obey the machine!"  -Ralph

"I, for one, welcome our new ant overlords." -Kent Brockman

"I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works." -Homer, when asked how he can afford his house.

"Money can be exchanged for goods and services." -Homer's brain to Homer, when Homer finds $20 instead of his packet of honey roasted peanuts.

"Help me Jeebus!" -Homer

"Marge, I agree with you ... in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory." -Homer

 

"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me." -Ralph

"Me fails English? That’s unpossible." -Ralph

"The rat symbolizes obviousness." -Ralph, mocks the ending of that overrated movie, The Departed.

"Super Nintendo Chalmers" -Ralph

"Mr. Plow, that's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow."

"It's a perfectly cromulent word." -Miss Hoover, in reference to the legitimacy of the word "embiggins." 

"Haw Haw, I touched your heart." -Nelson

"Ah, beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."- Homer

"I'm so hungry, I could eat at Arby's." - Sherri/Terri (one of those twins)

"'Tis a fine barn English, but 'tis no pool." -Amish guy

"I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" -Homer

"It was like that when I got here." -Homer teaches Bart this line. 

"You're gay for Moleman!" -Bart and Lisa say it to each other, then Moleman sadly responds, "No one's gay for Moleman."

"You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society." -Moe

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." -Homer

"Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him." -Homer, while drunk

"Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless." -Wiggum

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" -Homer

"Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!" -Homer, and when Marge yells at him for using that language in front of the kids, he responds, "I gotta go Moe, my damn wiener kids are listening."

"Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly,' and replace 'dog' with 'son.'" -Lionel Hutz

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman." -Homer

"If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." -Homer

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." -Homer

"Like that time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville; I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have any white onions, because of the war; the only thing you can get was those big yellow ones.” - Grandpa Simpson

"A little from column A, a little from column B." -Grandpa Simpson in response to the question, "Are you stalling for time, or are you just senile?"

"Sax-a-ma-phone" -Homer

"Dental plan! Lisa needs braces. Dental plan! Lisa needs braces."

"You don't win friends with salad, you don't win friends with salad!" -Homer

"It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good." -Homer

"That's too funny! I can't remember a funnier anecdote. Okay, now you tell one." -Troy McClure

"So I says to Mabel I says..." -Bart

"Stupid sexy Flanders" -Homer

"Hey, fellas, the garage. Well, ooh la-di-da, Mr. Frenchman." -Moe, to which Homer responds, "Well, what do you call it?" and Moe says, "A car hole."

"Alcohol and night swimming - a winning combination!" -Lenny

"Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle!"-Homer, in response to Marge's insistence that Bart use the bathroom after Homer tells Bart to use a bottle in the family room to urinate.

"Poor stupid Bart. Always chooses Rock." -Lisa's brain before playing rock-paper-scissors, and then Bart's brain says, "Good ol' rock. Nothing beats rock."

"It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography." -Homer

"My eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!" -McBain

"Up and at them!" -McBain

"Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 

1974. It's a scientific fact." - Homer

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such." -Homer

"Where are the velocitator and the deceleratrix?" -Mr. Burns, when trying to drive his car.

"I'm NOT not licking toads!" -Homer

"In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!" -Homer

"I got a hot date tonight." BZZT "A date." BZZT "Dinner with friends." BZZT "Dinner alone." BZZT "Watching TV alone." BZZT "All right! I'm going to sit at home alone and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog." BZZT "Sears catalog." Ding! -Moe, taking a lie detector test.

"Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter." -Homer

"Mmmmm- Sacrelicous." -Homer

"Yoink!" -Used many times by different characters when snatching something from somebody. 

"Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church, Captain Whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects." [Makes sound effects and laughs.] "Where was I? Oh yeah. Stay out of my booze." -Homer

"Nappien activates your brain's napping centers and attacks your bodies awakeagens and unlike Sleepia, it won't cause foot fattening or elbow stink." -Commercial for Ambien-like drug. 

"I was raised on TV, and I turned out TV." -Homer

"Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for Attempted Chemistry? Do they?!" -Sideshow Bob

"You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning." -Homer

You know, I could probably go on finding lines all day. There is 20 years of episodes to draw from. The thing is, I've probably quoted or referenced all these lines through out my life. The Simpsons are my teacher, mother, secret lover. (That's a quote too.)